Sportime USA: FAQ

When I was in summer camp they surprised us a couple of times with an evening trip to Sportime USA, a large facility in Westchester that featured arcade games, batting cages, pizza, and the like. For some reason I thought of checking on the Web to see if they still exist, and it looks like they do, or at least did as recently as October. Their Web site has a tendency to explain each activity with a level of detail that one would reserve for only the most idiotic unfrozen caveman Martian. I created the following questions and used the copy on their site for answers.

Where can I find information on your upcoming Halloween party?

UPCOMING HALLOWEEN PARTY INFORMATION ON BIRTHDAY PAGE

I need to be both thrilled and delighted. What do you have that may accommodate my needs?
Over 200 video/arcade games to thrill and delight

What is a video game? What kinds of things can one do in these games as of 1992?

Shoot video characters with your laser gun to score points
Show your martial arts skills against video masters
Bop Homer Simpson on the head as he runs to help Bart defeat the bad guys
Race a motorcycle through the streets of a big city
It's easy to win prize tickets on many of the games

May I bring anyone?
Bring mom, dad or your buddies to share the fun


I've heard stories about sexual predators in video arcades. Will my children be safe? I am particularly concerned about my son. He is 49 inches tall.

The "Soft Adventure" playground is reserved for our younger children. This special play area is designed with safety and fun in mind. It is for children 5 yrs old and under who are less then 48 inches tall.

I have heard rumors that you are anti-Semitic. Do you both provide kosher food AND support Israel's right to defend itself against Islamic terror? Or are you merely willing to accommodate my dietary needs while avoiding taking a stance on Israel? Keep in mind that you're either with us or you're against us.

You may bring in a kosher caterer, or we can provide Kosher Food for you.

I want to climb Mount Everest but I am no longer welcome in Nepal. How can you help me?

Sportime USA has one of the hottest activities, a 24 foot wall climbing station.

Supervised closely by Sportime staff, your child can safely work their way up the wall for a thrill only found in TV action movies and National Geographic specials.

Not only is it an excellent exercise but the challenge also helps build the self esteem of youngsters. With mom and dad watching your child can feel like he or she is conquering Mt. Everest.

I impulsively masturbate. Will you judge me?

Groups of all ages can enjoy an interactive round of shooting...It's a great release for the action hero in all of us.

What are "Bumper Cars?" Are they safe? What is my objective while riding them?

Bumper cars are one of the many indoor rides at Sportime USA.

Safely bounce off your friends and others as you drive around the bumper car arena. The smiles and laughs come quickly as the cars collide with each other.

Food fads that baffle The Vilde Chaya: Açaí berry juice

A year ago at this time, nobody had ever heard of the açaí berry. Nor were they sure how to pronounce açaí, which likely remains the case. It was confined to the Brazilian rainforests, while pomegranite juice enjoyed its day in the stateside sun. Suddenly, everybody needs their 8 glasses per day of açaí juice, lest they miss out on the myriad health benefits of this panacea berry. Didn't you hear? It's America's #1 superfood. An authority no less than Dr. Perricone went on Oprah and said so. It's no wonder then, that Google search queries went up twentyfold over the course of 2008:
Ballyhoo over the health benefits aside, curiosity got the best of me and I tasted a couple of açaí beverages for the benefit of my readers, leaving the nutrition debate to the experts. The result? It was scrotumtighteningly tart. So why would anyone buy this stuff? Because they're morons who buy into hype. My proof is that the top 10 states by "acai berry juice" search volume, as reported by Google, are generally populated by people of below average intelligence. The estimated average IQs of these states, courtesy of VDARE.com, are reproduced below.
The average IQ of the other 40 states is 100.85, two and a half points higher than their most açaí-thirsty counterparts. Say what you want about IQ tests, but 9 out of the 10 states in the Açaí Belt went for Bush in 2004.

Let it be clear: I'm not arguing that drinking açaí berry juice makes you dumb, just that dumb people will more readily buy into hype, and hype is the one thing that açaí conclusively has going for it, irrespective of its purported health benefits.

Shabbat Dinner Bingo

Instructions:
1) Print this blog post.
2) Cut out the bingo card (below).
3) Bring card and a golf pencil to Friday night dinner table at the most stereotypical New York Jewish family you can find.
4) Circle the words/conversation topics that come up at the table.
5) You may shout bingo when you have a full row, column, or diagonal
6) First to shout "BINGO" wins.