On the Variety of Mamzers at the Gym

I’m sure 100 bloggers have already written this post, many of them better, so let's consider this my attempt to add a little more to the public discourse on gym mamzers:

Monica Seles
The Monica Seles at the gym is not necessarily the actual tennis player, but anybody who feels the need to grunt as loud as possible at all times so that everyone in earshot knows just how hard she is pushing herself. In fact, the most offensive Monica Seles at my gym is some dude who’s always hogging the flat bench or the cable station. The best way to deal with a Monica Seles is to have some fun by trumping each of his grunts with an even louder grunt until he gets the point.

Obnoxious iPod Guy
Obnoxious iPod Guy is a menace both inside and outside of the gym. He is deeply into his music and he plays it so loud as to be unconscious of his own utterances. This results in him singing aloud while he stares at himself in the mirror doing Arnold curls. The Obnoxious iPod Guy is often a Monica Seles. Feel free to give him a swift kick in the ‘nads.

Cher
The Cher is the 70-year-old woman who traipses around the machine circuit in her tiny shorts and sports bra, baring her withered flesh for all to see. As if that’s not bad enough, she also sweats through what little athletic wear she has on, making it cling to her prune-like form. As awful a sight as she is, the good news is that you won’t have to wait long for her to die.

Naked Guy in the Locker Room who Makes Small Talk
There’s a time and a place for everything. The Naked Guy in the Locker Room never got that memo. He prances around, pretending to be doing things, hoping people notice him. He approaches you, naked as a jaybird, and talks about the weather, the showers being too cold, or how much his new piercing hurts. There isn’t much you can say to him, as he has no shame. Just remember to stay calm, look down at the floor as you get dressed, and never acknowledge him with anything more than a monosyllab.

The Burned Out Gym Employee
She’s in her 40’s, working at a dead end job, and bored stiff. She can be seen greasing up equipment and picking up weights that inconsiderate members neglected to rack. She has a tough life, and you feel sympathy for her. That is, until you see her walking around the stretching area, doing her cleaning while eating a ham sandwich. Bitch please! How you gonna eat a sammich while you clean my gym?!