An Open Letter to Peacocks

Dear Peacocks,

Let me lay my cards out on the table: peacocks suck. Why do you need all that plumage? Who's attention are you trying to attract?

Photo Credit: Citrus Park Bonita

Well I have news for you, peacock: you look absolutely ridiculous. What's that, are you crying? I'm sorry, I can't hear you over those loud colors you're wearing. Even somebody with the intelligence of a flounder would be able to tell that you are trying to compensate for something. That something is, of course, your horrifying appearance.

Lets start with your beak. It's easily the most busted, awful beak I have ever seen. You need some beakoplasty, you and your entire species. Its the perfect complement to your coat, which resembles the bottom of a swimming pool with peeling paint exposing the old layer of green paint underneath. Then there's your beady, Eliot Spitzer eyes. Look at that picture, your eye is way too symmetrical. If not for your ugly beak, I wouldn't be able to tell whether you're coming or going. This brings me to your single most disgusting feature. You have a bunch of hors d'ouvre toothpicks stuck in the back of your head. If you're half as smart as you look, you'll start wearing a helmet, which will only make you look even more retarded. Die.

Yours Truly,

The Vilde Chaya
New York, NY